The Ramblings of a "Mad Man"

During my college years I smoked a lot of marijuana… Big mistake! The intrusive thoughts started my second semester after pledging a fraternity and being hazed for eight weeks and doing sub-par that semester in my studies. I was also stressed out about a relationship that was in its 5th year yet I wasn’t ready to commit and I also felt trapped because I didn’t want to break the girls heart. The intrusive thoughts were mainly of things that would cause me great fear and anxiety such as “being gay”, “being a murder”, and the more I’d try to get rid of the thought the more it would bother me. This gradually got worse for about 3 years until just after graduation when I was smoking with some friends and I had a horrible thought while under the influence that scared me into my first major panic attack. From that point the panic attacks became regular and I ended up becoming agoraphobic. Finally I was admitted into a mental health clinic and diagnosed with some sort of anxiety disorder and sent home on Remeron which made me very sick. It actually increased my anxiety so I went back to the doctor within a couple weeks to find another drug that may help. I went through Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Buspar, Zyprexa, even Xanax in conjunction with the Zyprexa. Nothing seemed to help at all and I ended up cryin’ on the couch feeling so low and desperate that I think I had actually had no where to go but up.

It was the middle of the night and I went for a walk and tried to straighten out everything that was going on in my head and by the time I got back I had made the decision to throw away all the meds and start doing some real research on anxiety disorder. I read every book I could find on my disorder which I later found out was Pure O a type of OCD that causes intrusive thoughts with no compulsions. I started to meditate and drink Kava Kava tea which helped me to relax before bed and in the morning. I gradually became able to leave the house and shortly therafter returned to work. I still felt horrible and had intrusive thoughts often, but I would always play with them in my head by changing them into funny scenes. For instance a once had a bad thought while talking to my boss who I respected a great deal that I was going to stab him with a pen. This of course scared the living daylights out of me, so I forced myself to think about it over and over until the anxiety stopped. This of course was scary because now I wasn’t scared of the thought of stabbing someone which gave me anxiety, but I had beaten the thought and never had that particular one again. I continued to attack each thought and continued to meditate daily and after about a year of practice I had all of the thoughts under control and went into a 5 year remission.

Turns out that the same thing had happened when I was in the second grade. I vaguely remember the thought that my parents would be taken away from me while I was at school. I remember the stomach pain from the anxiety and went home often as a result of panic attacks. I had completely forgotten this episode in my life. My parents knew something was wrong, but not what it was. I managed to come to the same conclusion naturally when I was younger as well and was in remission until the above experience.

When I say remission, I mean I was able to live my life completely with very minor anxiety every so often and an intrusive thought every once and awhile which I could quickly dismiss. Anyway, this all came to an end when I got married and especially got bad when I had my first child. The thoughts were pretty much under control, but the anxiety and panic reached unimaginable heights and were really affecting my ability to enjoy my new child and wife. This is when I decided that maybe medication would help me, but this time I was going to take it slow and keep track of everything that happened while on the meds. I was very scared, but set up an appointment with an anxiety disorder specialist in the area. He happened to be a professor at the local university and started his own practice specifically for anxiety disorder and had treated literally thousands of patients. I felt comfortable with this doctor which made the idea of taking meds relatively easy. I told the doctor everything I just stated here and he basically said that I simply had anxiety disorder with some OCD tendencies and that I should take Xanax to eliminate the anxiety. I already at this point had researched all the potential meds and knew that Xanax had a history of causing dependency. He said, “if you had diabetes, would you be reluctant to take your insulin shots?” I of course said “no” and he explained that most anxiety disorders are long term problems that have a genetic root which I already knew because anxiety disorder was all over my mothers side of the family. I asked him if I would ever be off medication and he said that I could if I wanted to, but there was a very good chance that I would end up having anxiety issues again later in life. Maybe not immediately, but at some point.

In conclusion, for the last 2 years I have been taking Xanax and it has helped a great amount with my anxiety and has allowed me to take my life back. I have written in a journal every day since the beginning of taking meds so that I could quantify how well the medication was working. I don’t fight with the anxiety anymore. I continue to meditate daily to exercise my mind. I exercise physically and eat well avoiding caffeine and most all other recreational drugs. I will have a beer or two on occasion, but it is rare. Anyway, the intrusive thoughts have not been a problem for me in almost 7 years, and the anxiety is now at a controllable level.

I now have two children and with this new addition to our family I have not had any issues with the anxiety even though it is a very stressful time. She had health complications and caught a virus in the first few weeks of her life which caused us great fear and anxiety, but the anxiety I had was all rational and appropriate for the situation. For the first time I feel like I have control of my life and don’t have to worry about a random panic attack during stressful time. There are times I had to get really clever and talk my way out of a presentation or something at work so that I could go home due to a random panic attack. That doesn’t happen anymore. I am an aerospace engineer with a lovely wife and two beautiful daughters! Life is good!

OE