~Darkeye~

OK so new month… new start! Had my appointment the other day with my support worker.. she was a lovely lady and she is going to come every Monday and actually help me with the goals that the CBT is helping me set… we are going to go for walks as far as i can get etc… and go to places! I am not sure how i am going to get on having someone there with me… it will mean that i can’t cheat anymore and make excuses not to do these things.. So i suppose that is only a good thing

I am still waiting to hear back from my therapist to arrange an appointment to finally meet her face to face in a local surgery which hopefully i can walk to – to finally start one-to-one therapy.. So i suppose lots of positive things happening

Oh and Stuart He is making me so happy at the moment… having his love and support is giving me the extra motivation and encouragement that i need.. i so want to be able to go for a walk with him when he comes down to Devon to see me It is my new goal…

OK on a not so good note… sleeping grr… I think it might be the tablets finally kicking in… but all i want to do all day is to sleep and being really tired is making me feel sick and generally unwell… and then when it comes to night time.. the tablets are wearing off and i feel awake and am not sleeping too well… Keep waking up in a panic and having not nice dreams..

But still feeling positive about things… not really making huge amounts of progress but I’m still taking baby steps and trying to get out everyday to the shop or just a little walk and i am frequenting the library once or twice a week…. Watch out World lol

I am getting rubbish at updating this already!

OK, i went to pick up my meds the other day which is the furthest that i have been.. It took four days but i got there in the end. Since then i have been on a high and finally feeling like i am getting on top of this. I am trying to  go outside everyday even if it just to the shop across the road and on good days i am pushing myself to go further and to stay out for longer.

I have gone back to the library a few times, the librarian must think i read so fast, changing books so often

I think feeling on top of this has a huge deal to do with being happy at the moment, which i have Stuart to thank for. He has been such an encouragement and support to me, he makes me feel good.. anyway enough of the mushy stuff

Got a start date for my Art Therapy course thing.. but it doesn’t start till January. But it is in the next town so i have until Jan to work towards it and being able to get there… and they are going to give me a support worker to help me for that course That’s  nice of them…

Even though good positive things are happening today… feel despondent. Haven’t left the house, lost my creativity.. just not feeling it today? Strange… Well nothing is strange to me any more…

So today i went out… i went up to the library to drop my books back off… my goodness that was horrific.. i planned on taking some more out but half way there i was getting chest pains and then they were doing road works and people looking at me… argh… so i just dropped them in and them tried to get home as fast as possible. But not to cheat myself completely i stopped in at the florist my dad works in to make the outing last longer…and to get a hug. So i picked up some flowers and a little shopping on the way back and crumpets… yummy. Crumpets were my treat for doing it.

Now my problem is the library.. last time i went i stayed 20 minutes and managed.. today it was 20 seconds… i know i should have stayed and dealt with it… i won’t get better if i keep running away… I just couldn’t do it. I was in so much pain in my chest, i could hardly breathe, i needed the toilet, even though i went before i left. I know all of this was anxiety… i know the theory to get better…. but my body and brain is fighting me! It’s just so hard some days. But i did go out… i just cheated myself with the library… i will have to go back to the library, however much i never ever want to go back there having felt like that.

Hope everyone is having a good day today.. big e-hugs all. x

Well the day pretty much says it all… it’s a sad day. I’m not American, neither did I lose anyone in the twin towers. But i can remember exactly where i was and what i was doing when i saw it happening on the news. Still to this day just hearing the words nine eleven… it’s not a nice feeling.

Again.. pretty unmotivated today, but it is gorgeous weather and i did go to the shop, but not for long. I’m thinking about going out.. it’s the thought that counts….

Well what a difference a day makes… today i feel yukky. I slept for like 12 hours last night and i am struggling to keep my eyes open, i feel really weak and negative. Which is so frustrating after yesterday, i am seriously fed up of the mood swings and unlogicness of it.

Today the plan was to go to the library… but i have avoided it and however much i want to carry on with the therapists plan i can’t bring myself to do it today.. i’m even lying to my family about it now. How on earth do i explain the changes in mood and anxiety levels, they saw me yesterday confident and positive and today i have a face like a slappd a*se and don’t want to talk to anyone, let along do anything. Grrrrr….

Well my therapist did ring me today And things are looking positive, she has given me the nudge and encouragement that i was needing and we made a plan and identified some stuff that I’d not realised before…scary stuff.

So anyway it resulted in me sitting on a bench in the sun.. overlooking the estuary reading a book for half an hour… Huge thing for me.. it was soul destroying and i felt totally horrendous.. but i did it, and i didn’t run away and come home to hide.. i nearly did… but today i was strong and i stayed.

Tomorrow i tackle the library again… lets hope i wake up positive again. It’s a different day and who knows what it brings until i awaken. Hope you are all well big e-hugs xxx